5-minute exercise to improve understanding
This 5-minute exercise is something I ask the couples who come to me for couples therapy to do as homework.
We all know that the key to any relationship is communication. Often this is easier said than done.
Sometimes we either never learned or struggle to remember how to both speak and listen to each other. This video includes instructions for an exercise, for you and your partner to do together, that begins to help you learn how to do that. Regular practice is the beginning of a path to a deeper, stronger relationship.
Whilst designed for couples, this can apply to any relationship. It requires a minimum of 2 people, but could easily be done in a group setting. What can be surprising is that it is in the silence where the power lies, both as you listen and then by not continuing the conversation afterwards.
It can be difficult to resist responding or defending. By staying silent and then not continuing the topic, it allows us to process what we’ve heard. And if we listen to what’s underneath our initial reactions there’s a real opportunity for self-discovery. And we help our partner do that reflection by resisting blaming and avoiding criticism.
I’ve often heard that it’s too simple and clients want to “go deeper”. I always respond that it is surprising and joyful when we discover that truly listening in this simple way is how we allow others to find that place of vulnerability they are craving.
And finally, thank you to the couples institute for this exercise. I learned it during my couples therapy training and would never have appreciated the power of this apparently simple exercise before trying it out.
The 5-Minute Exercise is less about ‘communication tips’ and more about building the internal capacity to hold your own experience while staying connected to your partner.
Consistency is key here. While it might feel simple, this exercise targets the “muscles” of a healthy relationship by:
- Prioritizing the Relationship: Intentionally setting aside time signals that your partner’s internal world matters.
- Practicing Emotional Expression: It creates a safe container to translate thoughts into “I” statements and feelings.
- Listening to Understand: By removing the need to reply, you can truly absorb your partner’s experience without the pressure of “fixing” or defending.
- Self-Defining: Being “separate” from the other by speaking without seeking feedback.
- Managing Reactivity: Learning to sit with your own internal response while your partner speaks, without interrupting or reacting.
Here’s how to do it:
- Agree a time where you can set aside some quiet time – it could be at home, on a walk or maybe over dinner or drinks (& turn off your phones)
- Each of you speak for 5 minutes, saying how you feel
- Can be about anything, good or bad, doesn’t have to be about the other person – the focus is on how you feel
- Speak about different topics (i.e. 2nd speaker: don’t pick up from the 1st speaker)
- Ground rules: no blaming the other, stick to your feelings and speak for yourself
- The other person stay quiet and just listen to what’s being said – no asking questions or responding – just listen
- It doesn’t matter who goes first
- To be 10 minutes in total only – no longer
- Thank each other for allowing the opportunity to speak and for listening to you
- Then move on to something else
- If there’s a topic to revisit, leave it until at least the following day.