Snog, Marry, Avoid: What Your Early Chemistry Might Really Be Telling You

We all know the game: snog, marry, avoid. It’s playful, a bit cheeky  –  and, if we’re honest, not a million miles away from how we sometimes navigate the early stages of dating. There’s the person we feel an instant spark with (snog), the one who seems “good on paper” (marry), and the one who… well… makes us want to exit stage left (avoid).

But as a relationship specialist, I’m often interested in what’s happening under the surface of those first instincts. Because early attraction isn’t just about chemistry. It’s also about your attachment patterns and your nervous system quietly doing their thing.

When “Snog” Feels Electric

That dizzy, can’t-stop-thinking-about-them feeling? It can genuinely be exciting – and sometimes it’s a sign of deep compatibility. But equally, it can be your nervous system lighting up because something feels familiar, not necessarily safe.

If you’ve ever found yourself irresistibly drawn to someone who keeps you guessing, you’re not alone. From an attachment perspective, those with more anxious or avoidant patterns can find each other particularly magnetic. The unpredictability can feel like passion – but may also activate old relational templates you learned early in life.

We might say parts of you are recognising something unfinished – hoping, this time, it will turn out differently.

When “Marry” Feels Sensible (But Slightly Flat)

Then there’s the person who ticks all the boxes. Kind, available, emotionally consistent – yet something doesn’t quite zing. Many people worry this means “they’re not the one.”

But often, this steadiness can feel unfamiliar if your system is used to more emotional ups and downs. Your nervous system might interpret calm as, well, slightly boring. It’s not that the connection lacks potential – it may just take longer for attraction to build when you feel genuinely safe.

There’s a quiet magic in relationships where your body can relax. Sometimes, what we label as “no spark” is actually no alarm bells – a very different thing.

And “Avoid”? Listen Closely

That instinct to swerve someone entirely can be wise. Your nervous system is brilliant at picking up subtle cues. If something feels consistently off:  dismissiveness, boundary-pushing, a sense you can’t quite be yourself – it’s often worth listening.

That said, it’s also helpful to distinguish between discomfort that signals danger, and discomfort that signals growth. Feeling slightly exposed, for example, can simply mean you’re allowing yourself to be known.

Slowing the Game Down

Early dating doesn’t have to be a lightning-fast sorting exercise. Instead of deciding too quickly who fits into each category, it can be more helpful to stay curious:

• What happens in my body around this person  – am I relaxed, tense, activated?
• Do I feel more myself, or am I adapting to fit?
• Is the connection consistent over time, not just in flashes?

When we slow things down, we give our nervous system a chance to settle, and our more reflective self a voice alongside instinct.

So, by all means, enjoy the snog, marry, avoid banter  –  it’s fun for a reason. But remember: attraction is rarely random. It carries stories, patterns, and possibilities. And when you begin to understand those, you gain far more choice in the relationships you create.

And that’s where the real magic lies.

Action for This Week

Choose one interaction – or one person – you’re currently dating (or thinking about), and gently shift from judging to noticing.

After you see or speak to them, take five minutes to ask yourself:

• What did I feel in my body: energised, drained, calm, on edge?
• Did I feel able to be myself, or was I performing a version of me?
• What felt easy? What required effort?

Write a few notes if it helps. You’re not trying to make a decision this week  –  just building awareness.

Because the more you understand your own patterns, the less you have to rely on snap categories. And the more intentionally you can choose what (and who) truly works for you.